POLITICAL PLATFORM

1. Vote for Bush
   We're confident that Bush is deeply committed to economic inequality. He brings his hard-won personal experience making millions in a business subsidized by taxpayers to national economic policy. Bush opposes raising the minimum wage to match the cost of living. He'll continue taxpayer subsidies of generous CEO salaries, as well as taxing earnings from the stock market at a lower rate than income from actual work.

   And best of all, he'll free Iraqis of the burden of all that oil! Vote for Bush — Because Inequality And War Is Not Growing Fast Enough.

2. Free the Forbes 400!
   

3. We're Non-partisan — We Buy Politicians of Every Political Stripe
   66 major corporations have already donated more than $50,000 to politicians. That's pittance. We outright buy them so we can't lose. We're already in, no matter what happens on election day.

4. We're paying for this country's free elections (so you don't have to)
   It costs more and more to run for office. In our branch operation in the U.S., successful candidates spent an average of $5.2 million compared to $2.8 for losing candidates. Since the American people don't want public financing — why should each citizen have to pay $8 a year? Somebody's got to step up to the plate and help out. That's us. Big private money. It comes with a few strings attached. Strings we can pull!

5. Bribery will get you everything
   It pays to invest. We get a high return on our dollar when we buy the top man. Look at the elimination and erosion of "progressive" legislation. If we pay for top politicians now, the paybacks will roll in for years to come.

6. Big Money United
   Vote for Bush, vote for the other — we don't care who you vote for — we already bought ALL the candidates. We've already won. Big Money United shall never be defeated. ... Now repeat after me ... Big Money United shall never be defeated...